Posted by: tranalist | April 10, 2008

A heart revealed

I happened upon this the other day, written in July of ’07…

I must have a vision. I must be working toward something, something Kingdom related or else I begin to whither away. I forget who I am. I forget who God’s called me to be. I fall into the beginning stages of depression. I feel like a fallen leaf floating aimlessly down a river—no direction, no end in sight. I have to remember who I am, what my desires are, what my heart is.

It’s people. It’s building relationships. It’s loving the stranger in the coffee shop. It’s praying for the wounded girl at work. It’s hugging love back into a tormented child.

I’ve forgotten how.

That scares me.

I’ve been so caught up with my personal life and working at making it work that I’ve ignored the core of who I am. It’s not this. I feel like I am wasting away until the vision gets renewed and the blood starts pumping through my veins again.

I’ve faced anxiety about doing the same thing everyday, my life building ruts so deep I can’t get out. I never understood where the anxiety and fear came from, but I do know that it was so real, so far from my heart that I would spend many nights in tears. There had to be more to life than this. There just had to be.

I wanted to travel, I wanted to be free, to move in whichever direction God took me.

But I can’t do that right now.

There’s something in my soul that cries out for more and I need to remember that I’d rather live in poverty and be free, than become a slave to a life and a world that doesn’t interest me.

That was the lesson God wanted to teach me in Africa 3 years ago.

I went to Mozambique a hopeful, wide-eyed girl with an open heart. I left hurt, confused, and feeling defeated because of other lessons God wanted to teach me. But through all of the events that took place I learned more about myself in those 3 months than I had in my entire lifetime leading up to it.

I loved the country, the people, the street kids, the bucket showers, the waiting on God every day to find out what His plans were. I loved how He used me to minister to others, how He taught me to live for others, to have a heart full of love to pour out on others.

I look back and see that Africa was a defining moment in my life. The ultimate turning point. I can’t go back.

I want to live from my heart everyday. I desire to be surrounded by people who love God, who want to love those who don’t know God or need help in understanding Him more. I long for that kind of relationship and sometimes I fear that that’s too tall of an order for God. I know it isn’t. That’s just my silly mind getting too involved. I battle with that. I don’t mind the battle as long as I continue to choose supernatural over natural, spirit over flesh.

Funny, I read this and know that the desires are still very real, but with time comes wisdom. I can see now that God wanted to teach me a very valuable lesson: learning to be planted where I am. My wandering eyes needed to learn how to focus; my restless spirit needed to learn how to find rest. I needed to learn how to be content in every situation and thankful for what God has blessed me with. Once you stop looking around for the next best thing, it can often end up being right in front of you.

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